The “new normal”

After drinking one liter of contrast dye and being poked numerous times to place an IV, my chest/abdomen/thorax show stability! No new developments – things are as they were and have been – stable!

Now, the task is sorting out these seizures. My anticonvulsant med has been increased, so we’re hoping this holds. However, if it doesn’t, the next step would be inpatient epilepsy monitoring. Several months ago, this was the initial idea; however, my neurologist didn’t want to jump into that. As he said, “Let’s leave well enough alone.” At the time, it had been a few months since my last seizure, and the hope was that the medication was holding. After my recent seizure, however, it was decided that, should another episode occur, I would enter the EMU (epilepsy monitoring unit) at Maine Medical Neuroscience Institute to get a very clear idea of the seizure activity.

Part of me wants to enter the unit right now to really understand the root cause of these debilitating seizures. The flip side is that I am exhausted, and the thought of being impatient for any reason makes me angry and sick to my stomach.

I want to return to normal, and this bullshit idea of this being the “new normal” greatly annoys me! This mentality is far too easy to put forth from people who haven’t spent 3 years trying to stabilize themselves, right themselves, adapt, and readjust every moment of every day.

The positive news is that my lungs/thorax/etc. Are stable overjoys me… but I celebrate halfheartedly, always wondering what might be lurking, waiting for me to let my guard down. History has shown that with every up, with every moment of elation, is followed by a horrific down, a paralyzing fall. What is seen as pessimism, or something similar,  is me trying to minimize the letdown, the fall from too great a height. Being in this constant state of emotional and psychological neutrality is a shame.

Perhaps that is my “new normal”.