I have dreamt dozens of times that cancer has returned. Not testicular cancer, not necessarily, just cancer in general.
The other night, I awoke, and, having fallen asleep on my arm, it was numb from the shoulder down. This, too, has happened numerous times, but I am always so shocked and horrified that I sit straight up in bed each time, flop my numb arm over my lap, and await as it comes back, as it awakes as well. I hold my breath. In the middle of the night, I sit in the dark, cradling my arm and waiting. When I feel the gentle tingling sensation return, the soft pins, and needles that signify it has awoken, I lie back, relieved. It is then, and only then, that I realize (the) cancer hasn’t returned. Another lesion hasn’t formed in my brain. I don’t need brain surgery.
Incidents such as this are not uncommon. This is but one example…
This fear lurks; I feel as though sometimes it is stalking me. Other times I know that, at this moment, I am cancer-free, it is out of my system and a thing of the past. I am torn between these two worlds of quaking fear and joyful bliss.
I recently had a conversation about this very feeling, about how I feel that I am often shadowed by cancer, that it is pursuing me. I was unaware of its presence upon initial diagnosis. When struck by the recurrence, I was completely oblivious as with the first time. So much so that when my oncologist told me it had returned, I was in denial. Naturally, anyone would be dismissed, as this is the last thing one wants to hear after being treated once. When I was informed, I felt 100%; my body felt so strong and healthy. I wouldn’t believe it – I couldn’t accept that it had returned. Regardless, it had, and both times it snuck up on me and pounced. I blinked, and it was upon me; claws sunk deep, and I was helpless.
I suppose this is just something that lingers. How long is uncertain. Perhaps it will always shadow me. I hope it will do so in such a way that it is not hunting me, or for that matter, haunting me, but a reminder of what has come to pass.
Patience! I need more patience with myself as I move along this path.
i cannot tell
which is more patient
the tree
like gnarled old fingers
sun-beached and
long since passed
or the days and nights
which move around it
we witness the blue sky
so rich and clear
and mistake our need
we forget tolerance
we say
“get out of the way
you old tree
I want to see the blue sky”
but the tree
is the gentle one
by day
it marks the earth
with the movement
of the sun
across the sky
not rushing it
letting it be
moment by moment
and at night
it stands
almost sentry-like
keeping watch
waiting
it never says
“you are gray today
bring back
your blue sky”
if it is unable
to mark the earth
as a sundial would
it just waits
gnarled and old
like it was yesterday
as it will be tomorrow
healing is a circular path 