I’m unsure when it started, but I have felt tenderness and a dull ache in my testicle for the last few days. Naturally, this has set off every alarm in my mind; every possible worry and concern has crept back into the light. After four years, I would have assumed that the fear of a recurrence would have lessened, but it has come raging back with this feeling.
The other night, I dreamt that I was back in the treatment chair, and the nurses were trying to fit in an IV. Each nurse attempted dozens of times to no avail. Finally, the nurse, who, in waking life, I see every time I go for labs, said, “Jeremiah, I’m sorry, but we can’t fit the IV. We’ll try again tomorrow.” Then, I shifted dreams, but I am unsure what followed.
In my unconscious mind, these worries are ever-present; they have always been. It isn’t just with this feeling and sensation. My dreams regularly reveal so much; every emotional state, good or bad, is magnified tenfold within my dreamscapes.
I dream journal. I try to do so every day. I have stopped writing out the dreams in a descriptive manner. I don’t set out to write short stories-like entries when I awake with one still fresh in my mind. Instead, I pull imagery from them. I snag tidbits of information, perhaps the color of an object or a particular look I receive. However, with the dreams that revolve around cancer, I am tangled up in internal sensations and feelings more than anything external. Something in the dream mentioned above, which has occurred in various iterations for years, prevents me from being treated. I want to hang on, stay within the dream, and ride it to the end. Would it make sense once I got there, wherever there is? What answers would I receive? Would it make sense – would any of this make sense?