I can’t help but look back. It is torture, I know… but I’m still trying to figure things out. If I keep repeatedly playing things in my mind, something will pop up, make sense, and be clear.

This photo (4/4/16) is after being discharged from the hospital. I had my orchiectomy, was diagnosed, had my apartment packed up, and was about to return home to New England for treatment. How did I manage all this? I didn’t notice until looking at the photo that I was still wearing the bracelet from the hospital.

Things change so quickly.

My eyes are so tired in this photo. I looked worn out and worried – naturally, I was. I wanted to smile for my girlfriend, it was her birthday. Considering life’s drastic change, I wanted to act as normal as possible.

I am not sure why I return to these images. Maybe it is the stark contrast between the two; a casual day at the nature museum was only a matter of days before my life fell apart.

What am I seeking here? What do I hope to find in the words written upon my face, within my tired eyes?

I notice my left hand is gripping her shoulder so tightly. Is it because I’m leaving? Is it to thank you for being there for me, coming to the emergency room, and staying with me there for days? Is it that I’m trying to hold on with all my strength because this is the last refuge, the last fragment of normalcy that I will have in a long time?

I will turn these questions (and many more) over and over in my mind. There has to be reason within them… they have to make sense.