“2nd line chemo”

Tomorrow, March 13, 2017, I will begin salvage chemotherapy (AKA “2nd line chemo”). I had my “Smart Port” placed on Wednesday. Initially, I was scheduled for a PICC line, as with prior treatment, but the port requires much less maintenance.

I spent the better part of this past month researching alternative routes. Naturally, more chemo was the last thing I wanted. … but this is it. Yes, there are phase II or II studies, but as such, these wouldn’t be covered by my insurance. Also, since some are still in the relatively early stages of development, the outcome is even less specific than salvage chemo / high-dose chemo/stem cell transplant.

I am trying to refrain from looking that far ahead.

I have to begin with this option, at least. Trust me; I was tempted to buy a one-way ticket to some random, far-off country. I still entertain this idea in daydreams – I won’t lie. However, I must at least begin this, try it, and hope for the best.

Headgear

This fun-looking piece of facial equipment & headgear is not for a new sport but rather to keep my head entirely immobile while the procedure (stereotactic radiation, or SRS) is being performed. This fashionable piece was constructed a few weeks ago when I went down to have an updated MRI (used for planning the procedure), to have a “bite-block” (dental mold) constructed, along with a fancy, net-like structure that was formed to the back of my head. … Then, this elaborate gadget, which I’m sure was used during (the) inquisition, was bolted to the table.

SRS (Stereotactic Radiosurgery)

Oct 11 (2016) marked six months since beginning treatment. This time has gone prolonged and alarmingly fast.

When I returned to Maine to begin treatment, the trees were covered in tightly wrapped buds. I watched spring arrive – of course, we’ve all done this. Though, because of the long days of chemo, I was hyper-aware of time and its passage. The buds on this particular maple tree seemed to tease me and almost prolonged their encasement, knowing how desperately I wanted spring – greenery – warmer and longer days…

Today, I noticed the leaves are falling.

Here are some photos of the SRS (Stereotactic Radiosurgery) procedure. Looks like a science-fiction film set.

I’m feeling exhausted today; a lot has happened throughout the week. The stammer, which developed well before the SRS, still lingers and makes talking exhausting.

1.5 months difference

I found the contrast between these two photos so striking! It is truly amazing how quickly the body begins to heal and repair. Even while my old hair was still falling out, I could already start to see new growth. There is a difference of about 1.5 months between these two photos.

Though my physical body is well on the road to recovery, the emotional and psychological aspects of my being are encountering new hurdles every day.

A feeling of disconnection

I have come back to this image many times. I am uncertain of how so much time has passed since this photo was taken. I know and understand the length of time… it seems otherworldly. I look at myself, and though this is recognition, there is this strange feeling of disconnection between the two beings; the person of now and the person of then.